PlayStation Move: An Alternate Review…

Review Score:

So this week my PlayStation Move finally arrived.

Since watching the first tech demos way back when I’ve been eagerly awaiting its arrival, to finally get hands-on with the most advanced motion controller we’ve ever seen (and probably will see for a fair while.)

Unboxing the little beauty and setting it up for a solid day of gaming I put in the starter disc and, well… A resounding “meh” soon followed. Like a drum-roll punctuated with a wet fart.

I also must state right now that this review isn’t intended to conflict with Albert Perkins Move Review, as I have to say I agree with everything he said. But what he didn’t convey (most likely because he didn’t feel this way) was the crushing disappointment created through months of hype and build-ups.

I’ll start buy talking about the tech (if you haven’t read Albert’s review- which you really should). All I can say really is that it’s spot on. Just what I’d hoped. It seems to track my every movement while avoiding the “Wii wobble” effect (shaking cursors when you’re trying to hold it straight). I even tried things like dropping the bat in Ping-Pong and watching it sway upside down in mid-air, just like the controller. Fantastic.

But great tech needs to be supported by great games, of which there seems to be none. Well, no free ones at least. The starter disc is filled with various demos, from golf to EyePet, Frisbee and the aforementioned Ping-Pong. But that’s my main gripe- they’re just demos. Mere testers, tantalisingly teasing me as to what the motion control is capable of. And when I’m just starting to have fun; it’s over. Done. Please get out your wallets and fork up more cash.

It really did get to me. I spent what I feel is all too much for a mere controller- a damn fancy one, but a controller none-the-less. The least they could have provided us would be a “Wii Sports”-esque game to squander our time on until something more hefty is released. (I’m not sure about anyone else, but I never received a complimentary copy Sports Champion).

Demo, demo, demo, oh is that a... Nope, just a demo.

No matter, I thought, perhaps those recent demos I noticed stacking up in the PlayStation Store could help me vent some frustration. Kung Fu Rider you say? Sure. Why not?

Because it’s a piece of crap, that’s why not.

The controls, which worked wondrously on the demos supplied with the kit, all of a sudden get sick and throw up all over your hands. It’s sluggish, a needless challenge just to move and rarely reacts to my violent jerking, or in deed my yelling “Jump, you bastard!”. Never before have I been so please to have a game freeze and then crash on me. It honestly felt like the game was never designed for motion control at all…

Oh well. What else do we have?

Ah yes, something I’ve been incredibly eager to try out. I would even go as far as to say that this next item was my sole reason for getting the Move so early.

Heavy Rain: Move Edition (demo, anyway).

Heavy Rain is not only my favourite game on the PS3, but I’d go as far as to say it’s one of my favourite games of all time. I love it dearly. Then David Cage announced that they were to scrap the planned DLC in order to focus on making it compatible with the Move (and future projects, apparently.)

BOO! I yelled, somewhat optimistically out of the window in the hopes David Cage was walking by- BOO!

But hey, maybe he knows best. He is the writer/director of the game, after all…

WRONG!

To put it simply, it doesn’t work. At all. In the slightest.

I may be exaggerating, but this really did ruin the experience for me. The controls were incredibly unresponsive, finicky and barely had anything to do with what was happening on screen. Maybe if there was a scene in which someone starts waving a wand around it might sway me, but I severely doubt it. Fingers crossed these problems were only because it was a demo, or perhaps non-optimal lighting conditions, but ether way it crushed my hopes.

Okay, so I'm to point my wrist up and yank it right to dodge? Got'cha...

So there it was. All my hopes and expectations lying in tatters in my hand, my face streaming with tears and my pants soiled… Well, not quite, but I was beginning to wish I hadn’t just pre-emptively ordered the navigation controller.

So what am I trying to say here? The Move is a complete bust, destine to fail? That I’ve wasted all my hard earned cash on nothing more than an elaborate reading torch? Well actually… No.

There were a few shining gems bobbing along on top of the river of crap.

Echochrome ii is a very tidy little game in which you manipulate shadows to help a figure reach its goal.

Tumble was another shining example of what the Move can achieve, but to call it the best thing out for the Move is like judging the winner of beauty competition in the elderly home for lepers. It’s a simple game in which you stack blocks to reach a goal- something far more challenging and entertaining than you might think. Although I can see it getting quite boring, quite quickly (for more info check out Falcon’s excellent review here- although 4 ½ may be a tad generous if you ask me.)

The graffiti game, Beat Sketcher, was also quite amusing for a while, but again, after drawing a few penises on peoples head and giving yourself MS Paint-style breasts, that too can get old. I think the Graffiti tool and EyePet are games that youngsters will die for, what with their tiny mind and obscure ability to have in “imagination”.

The Sports Champion mix had to be the best on offer, with a trial of Ping-Pong and Frisbee Golf that are both challenging and fun at the same time, with incredibly accurate movement control. But, as mentioned above, the fact that it’s merely a trial and not the full thing annoys me to the point in which I want to hunt down Kevin Butler and shove the Move controller so far down his throat that the only way he could win at Tiger Woods golf would be through a very violent bowel movement.

You want me to insert this... Where?

So, do I recommend it?

Not yet.

It’s not a complete bust (yet) and the future games on offer could be all this wonderful device needs. I’m interested in the new SOCOM game being completely Move compatible, but I think the game that will really make-or-break this peripheral in the eyes of gamers will be Metal Gear Solid: Rising.

That, or if they release a PlayStation version of Fruit Ninja.

–Biznitch