(Part 1 of this epic journey of mediocre proportions can be found here.)

Okay, this time I won’t die. This is the one…

*Click*

*Start new game*

…Snow?

Just as I was starting to get used to the 8-bit-beauty of the last lush landscape I was suddenly in awe as a vast blanket of white hazed my vision.

Snow storm.

I wasn’t expecting this. I hadn’t packed my blankie.

So there I was- naked, cold and alone in a new unforgiving land, this time seeming more unforgiving as Old Testament God. I set off on my perilous journey, traversing the frozen wasteland and climbing the iciest peaks, stopping only occasionally to frolic with the strangely unphased wildlife prancing around unaffected by the terrifyingly rendered freezer-of-doom.

As the sun cheerfully reached high-noon, I remembered what was soon to come: terrifying abominations of the night, hell-bent on using my low-res skeleton as a toothpick. I had to find shelter… But where? Suddenly I had a brainwave- I wasn’t the first to embark on this epic adventure. “Perhaps if I pray hard enough the Gods Of The Internet could help me in my struggle for survival.” I pondered aloud.

And my prayers were answered. A heavenly voice bestowed knowledge upon me in manageable chunks (although after the first 2 messages I covered my ears and sang loudly, after all I didn’t want to ruin the whole of my adventure with spoilers…)

With the heavenly knowledge of crafting fresh in my mind I ventured on, chopping down trees with the might of an angry buffalo and aimlessly wandering around, like a slightly brain damaged and confused buffalo that’s somehow managed to wander onto the set of Fargo.

But night was looming, and I still need shelter… Perhaps this would do?

Staring back at me was the ominous void of a cave entrance. Ermm, home sweet home?

Ah, what’s the worst that can happen! Gulp

Stepping inside (and by “stepping inside” I mean “teetering around the entrance in case something big and scary is lurking in the darkness and OH GOD WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?! Oh it was just the wind… I think”) I quickly got to work crafting my survival tools. First a wooden spade, pick axe, KICK ASS SWORD OF DOOM, and axe before moving onto the heftier stone tools. I was all kitted out for the night.

As darkness crept across the land like an impatient burglar, I was well prepared with my counter attack- torchlight! Mining though a pocket of coal gave me enough fuel for a moderate collection of flaming torches which I promptly used to light up my new abode. I was finally safe inside my impenetrable fortress.

…Except for the gaping hole that was the entrance. I had a choice- temporarily lock myself into my lair, blocking off the entrance so no nasties could do unmentionables to my unmentionables, or explore deeper into the cave, seeking refuge underground. Upon reflection the former option may have been easier.

As I delved deeper and deeper underground the groans of the undead began to seep through the walls. The unnerving clinking of fleshless archers were echoing around every corner. But this time I was prepared. With my mighty wooden sword by my side and stone pickaxe in hand I let out a mighty battle cry (something the neighbours for some reason didn’t appreciate at 3 in the morning) and boldly ran… away from danger and burrowed into the wall furthest from the terrifying cries of the unpleasant.

Tunnelling as fast as my blocky arms would let me I was suddenly brought to a screeching halt as light poured out from behind a stone, momentarily blinding me. What could be creating light this far underground?

Lava.

Intrigued, I set about exploring the underground pocket of magma. After all, with such an abundance of light creeps were unable to spawn. I was mesmerised by the amber stream of molten rock, toying with its flow by digging around its base.

It was beautiful. Truly I had found home- sauna-like heat, a refreshing change from the relentlessly cold snow, walled off and isolated with a single, small and easily dependable entrance and an ever-lasting source of light.

Surely this is what I, and every other adventurer out there has been searching for. The perfect paradise. The ultimate Utop- what’s that smell?

FIRE!

*Dead*

That’s okay, I’ll just respawn and-

*Click Respawn*

ARGH! SNOW!

I’d forgotten how far I’d ventured since my arrival in this winter hell hole. It had been so long ago I’d even forgotten which way I’d set off.

Right. Okay, this time. This is the one.

*Click*

*Start New Game*

Next stop: Utopia

(to be continued…)

–Biznitch