Gamers Ask the Darnedest Things

Author’s note: The article below does not accurately represent the mind or intelligence of the average gamers. Gamers can tend to be quite smart. The people asking these questions are those of a “different breed” or may not even be gamers at all; Kids maybe. That aside, this article is meant to be humorous and my comments should not be taken seriously.

In this world, there are two sayings that contradict each other: “There’s no such thing as a stupid question,” and “Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.” Online, I think the latter quote prevails by a longshot.

For those that frequent the Internet and the thousands, maybe millions of online communities, you probably already know that the Internet is not just filled with stupid questions, but minds that we can only guess are less than intelligent asking these questions. In general, Yahoo! Answers has typically been the place where you can easily find a lot of these questions, some of which become legendary for way of demonstrating that humanity in general is rapidly falling into a downward spiral.

The gaming community is, sadly, not spared by the throngs of neanderthals and less than intelligent people. In fact, being as commonplace as it as now, I would say that it’s one of the worst offenders, and nothing proves this more when I sift through daily e-mails from answers.com giving me questions that have been recently asked that day. If you follow me on Twitter you may have caught me tweeting about the odd dumb question that I see.

This is only a taste of some of the ridiculous questions that get sent to my inbox every day close to midnight. They are not for the faint of heart, not for the impatient. I will not mention names, for I do not want to shame people, but what you are about to see are not for the faint of heart.

And so, I now I give you: Gamers Say the Darnedest Things, Volume 1.

Nintendo DS:

“Why can’t you download Pogo games?”
Because Apple hates Flash… wait, what?

“How was science used to create the Nintendo DS?”
In 2003, the Aperture Science and Enrichment Center outsourced multi-screen technology to Nintendo, who then used it to create a revolutionary new handheld. That handheld became the Nintendo DS. I heard cake was involved, but I dunno if that’s true or not. (I also heard that the DS screens act like portals. Stick your finger in one screen and it comes out of the other one. How’s that for awkwardness?)

“How do you fix your DS when you keep strangling or dropping it?”
You strangle your DS? Do you not realize that your DS has a lawyer named Phoenix Wright?

“Are Nintendo DS cards made in Japan?”
No. They’re manufactured in the North Pole by Santa’s elves. All toys are made by Santa, right?
(Truth is, I highly doubt they’re made in Japan. Most likely China, but none of my DS cards, DS cards with built-in IR, or 3DS cards say where they were made.)

Nintendo DSi:

“Is there a God of War game on the DSi?”
To answer this seriously, is there a Mario game on the PSP?

“Does the DSi XL have Angry Birds?”
NO! Thank god… wait… what? WHADDYA MEAN IT’S COMING OUT ON THE 3DS?! FFFFFFFUUUUUUU-
(Note: They actually did announce Angry Birds for the eShop, but it’s been stalled.)

“Where are the rabbits bidding in Super Mario 64 DS?”
At the casino obviously. What’s that? There’s no Casino in SM64DS? …maybe it was at the bottom of the slide or whatever.
(Probably meant “hiding.”)

“How do you upgrade your DS Lite?”
The Nintendo Way: Buy their next version of the DS.

“How do you turn the DSi into a phone?”
Take your DSi, take your phone. Any phone will do. Get a roll of tape. Tape the DSi to your phone. Presto! You now have the Nintendo PhoneDSi! 

Nintendo Wii:

“Why is Allison from Nintendo leaving Nintendo Week?”
Heck if I know. I only turn my Wii on once a month now. Maybe she discovered that everyone has given up on the Wii and that she was wasting her time. Maybe she’s holding out for the WiiU? (Or as HBomb would say, “Weeeoooo! Weeeoooo! Weeeoooo!”)
(On another note: I wonder if it ever came to them that the guys on Nintendo Week and the Nintendo Show doesn’t actually work for Nintendo?)

“How do you beat Mario & Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Games?”
I’m gonna take a wild guess here:
1. Play through adventure/story mode
2. Beat game
3. ???
4. Profit!

“Does a ‘modded’ Wii game disc work on an unmodded Wii console?”
It might. Put the modded disc in your unmodded Wii. If your Wii doesn’t read it, then your console has been blocked by SOPA/PIPA/ACTA and will no longer play anything. Ever.

“How do you do the Dark Sonic cheat code in Super Smash Bros. Brawl?”
Okay, here’s what you do. First, you have to have played as sonic in 9001 matches. Then, you start a new 300% special brawl. You must have a Gamecube controller plugged into controller port 3 and only controller port 3. Players 1, 2, and 4 must all be Captain Falcon. Player 3 must be Sonic. When the match starts, all 3 Captain Falcons must Falcon Punch Sonic at the same time. If done right, Sonic will turn into Dark Sonic when he respawns… then Falcon Punch yourself in the side of the head.
(Note: I honestly don’t remember if there was a black Sonic or a Shadow color for Sonic, but this question was too nostalgic of the “fake cheat code” days to pass up.)

“Does the Wii play Blu Ray?”
Insert a Blu Ray disc. If your Wii cannot read it, troubleshoot by inserting a DVD. If that doesn’t work, your console will be investigated by the FBI.
(Actually, I’m probably being mean. This can be taken as a legit question)

“What can you do to reduce the Wii’s power usage?”
Unplug it. There’s nothing worth playing on the Wii anyways.

Nintendo 3DS:

“Will Nintendo make a 3DS XL?”
Does Nintendo like money?

“Can you play 3DS games on the DS?”
No.

“Can the DS play Nintendo 3DS games?”
No!

“Are 3DS games playable on the Nintendo DS?”
NO!

“Can the Nintendo DS play games made for the Nintendo DS 3D?”
NO!!

“Can you play DS3 games on the DS?”
NO!!! (I also have no idea what a DS3 is. :P)

“Can the DS Nintendo play 3DS Nintendo games?”
For the lack of being able to change text size, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(This, is literally what the 3DS category is like on answers.com. Every other question is asking if the DS can play 3DS games, all with silly names for the 3DS.)

The Internet can be a scary place. Gaming can also be scary depending on who you encounter online. What you have just saw are people who are probably lucky that they made it out of the gene pool… that, or they’re just too young and curious to understand yet.

With that being said, if you’re a gamer, please don’t let your brain rot.

This has been a public service announcement by the That Gamer Hub Society of Those Concerned With the Intelligence of Gamers.